Whatever happen to “it takes a village to raise a child”?
I have a 19 year old daughter that has had a very close best friend since 5th grade. I’m not as equally close to her mother but I would have considered her a friend. We celebrate holidays together on some occasions and shes been invited to bbq’s. Hell my husband (my 19 year old’s step-dad) has even done work on her car. My daughter used to spend weekends and spring break vacations over there frequently as she neared the age of 18 because it was more relaxed – more to do and no strenuos curfews or limits on who was allowed to visit. I on the other hand, do have and have always had clear curfews in place as well as rules regarding opposite sex spending the night. They cannot. I have never tried to control what is going on at another’s home and as long as my daughter wasn’t into trouble, she was allowed to visit her best friend on the weekends. My daughter has always done extremely well in school and been active in sports and other school activities.
The unsettling pattern is this, the best friends parent constantly withholds critical information from me in regards to my daughter. She may or may not tell me about this critical information at a later date. I have made it clear on several occasions that keeping me in the know about something is greatly appreciated. Just as an example, when my daughter was a minor there was a situation at MY house that involved her best friends mothers car being damaged. The story that they cooked up was not very believable. Some months down the line another temporarily-not-so-close friend broke the code between the girls & told the mother exactly what happened to her car at my house. I was told some time later. Maybe a few weeks later.
There was another instance when my daughter got herself involved in a check writing scam and didn’t know how to fix it. I was involved indirectly bcz my name remained on my daughters bank account. She had just turned 18 3 or 4 months prior. Long story short, I had to skip a mortgage payment to make a negative balance of $2500+ right or have my credit ruined and abilities to write checks for monthly expenses taken away. The mother was asked about how to fix it and did not tell me about it. When I went to talk to her about what was going on at my home – surprise – she already knew.
Which brings me to this latest instance…
My daughter and her best friend are now away at college. When she comes home on the weekends she spends time with either her best friend or her boyfriend. Here lately it turns out that shes been spending gross amounts of time with her boyfriend and the best friend is maybe a little jealous about it. They also do not approve of her relationship with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is married. I just found this out yesterday because my daughter and her best friend (who are also now dormmates at school) got into a huge fight about his presence on campus and in the dorm as well as his rudeness to the best friend. They almost came to blows and the mother and my child’s father were going to drive to the campus. I was working and could not be excused. Later on after things settled down, I ?’d the mother about some comments that were made. So my daughters boyfriend is married? Yes he’s been married for about three years. It was also made clear to me that my daughter gives this boyfriend money, and his family does not like her because they view her as a home-wrecker. I met this young man on Christmas. He left his wife and two kids around Christmas (some fight with his wife) and has been with my daughter ever since.
My ? to the best friends mother was if I knew that your daughter was dating a married man do you think I would not tell you this? Her reasoning was that she was sworn to secrecy by her daughter and could not tell me but did not mean to disrespect me.
I plan to basically sever all ties with this individual and the daughter for that matter and the relationship between me and my daughter remains extremely strained. I’ve got me and my daughters relationship to focus on sure, but I just cant get over the fact of the betrayal I feel from another adult that knows clearly all that I have done to raise my daughter the best way I can. Are my expectations too high for this adult woman?
Your statement is too long to read, and I’m not going to make that big an effort. In short, it DOES take a village to raise a child. Unfortunately in these days everybody has the idea that someone else will do it. It’s not their child and it’s not their job. That’s too bad.
I have five girls, my baby is 24, and yes, I did have lots of help from the community. There were times when a neighbor would tell me he saw “D” over at ********* and was with **** ****. Knowing where she was and with whom made it easier to guide her in the right direction. When she started acting out there were times when, again a neighbor saw, they would tell her that her mom and dad wouldn’t approve. Either she learned not to do those things OR not to get caught at them.
My oldest was the hardest, mostly because of my lack of experience with a girl her age. In fact, she complained that I wasn’t so hard on her sisters – and that was the truth. By the time they came along I already had either some or lots of experience.
It STILL takes a village, but look closer and see exactly which village she’s hanging out in. The internet can be called a “Global Village”; and that’s not a good thing. No telling WHO might give her advice or WHAT they might say or do.
You need to be her BESTEST BEST FRIEND EVER! That means talking WITH her, not AT her. It also means listening TO her. Remember, you have two ears but only one mouth. So it’s advisable to listen twice as much as you speak. By listening you begin to understand what’s on her mind and in her heart. ALSO, NEVER have a big reaction to ANYTHING she says. “Mom, I want to have a baby”. Maybe she’s looking to see how you will react, rather than wanting a child. HOW you react is by far more important than what you say. Show her that you are willing to listen to her and help her in any way you can. Otherwise that global village might just be the place she goes for advice, the same as the example you have just set.
If you are religious, church can be your village – depending on just how spiritual your church is. Now, I say “Church” but only in reference to the place of your choice for worship of whatever deity you so choose. Good moral training is important. And if you are not religious – you still need to find a way to involve her in good moral practices. Family can be a big help there too. Even your close friends CAN have an affect on her. Just be wise in who you choose to be your support.
And keep listening.
Help with a Credit Card issue concerning bank policy/procedure?
I would GREATLY appreciate some help/advice from any Attorneys or Financial Gurus out there..
About 15 years ago, I took out a Visa CC issued thru MBNA.(I took it out in my name only) After my hubby took a BIG pay cut, I have used it 2 make ends meet for the last 4 yrs.
I have run up a very LARGE balance.
About 3 yrs ago, the acct was taken over by Bank Of America.
We have pretty much been using BOA for all our banking. We have our checking acct., my hubby’s business acct., our home mortgage (still in excellent standing, with only a few years left to go), as well as a rental home Mortgage with them.
We even have our children’s savings accounts there.
I have been considering working with a debt settlement service on the CC balance, but am concerned with our bank affiliation. Can this action hurt our current mortgages and accts or is this considered a separate matter. (especially since it was taken over from MBNA)
Any insight is valued….
It will not necessarily hurt your accounts now, but you will have a difficult time refinancing loans or obtaining new loans.
What protection or rights do I have against my roofing company…am I obligated to pay?
My insurance company sent out the first installment and I went ahead and paid it with the promise that they would fix the remaining issues. They supposedly did and submitted the completed invoice for the remaining balance. Here’s the problem. the roof looks terrible still. I don’t wanna screw anyone out of their money but I want my roof done right. Also, the invoice they gave me is overpriced. I signed a contract stating I would pay “X” amount of $$$ and that anything else would be put in writing and I would give approval first.
I never got ANYTHING else in writing or even asked if I wanted it done but have almost $1600 worth of “other” charges. I’ve told them I will not pay or endorse the check until the invoice is fixed. Also, the first check was made out to me and my mortgage co. They told me to endorse my portion and they would mail it off for mortgage companys endorsement. I found out that they forged the back themselves because they didn’t want my mortgage company to do an inspection. When I told them I was mailing the 2nd check to them and requesting a “completion” inspection I was told I have to cut them a check of my own money or they would get an attorney. If I didn’t want to deal with that then I better just sign the check over to them.
Do I have any legal standing here. I have the original contract…the first invoice (priced wrong but without the $1600 extra charges) and the 2nd invoice where they added $1600 in things that weren’t on the contract. Please, any advice would be nice.
It sure sounds like you do, and it appears that you’ve done just about everything right, except for hiring these shady characters in the first place. You have so much to stand on. Don’t be intimidated by their threats. Tape them on your phone by letting them leave messages on your machine. Don’t pick up the phone. Call your Attorney Generals Office TOMORROW! If they can’t help you, they will tell you who can, but you are paying their salaries, so be persistent, but calm and polite. Don’t wait until your next run-in with the roofers please, do it first thing tomorrow. Get a copy of that check with the forged signature from the bank. Call your insurance company and tell them what’s going on as well. They will probably freeze the account. Keep immaculate and dated notes. What ever you do, don’t give them any more money, and don’t talk to them, as you might let something out of the bag and send them running. We all want them caught! I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW!!! Please make that phone call tomorrow. It sounds like you are in the perfect position to drop these scum bags dead in their tracks. Will you please follow through?
Best of luck to you!!! E.
Will my job offer be rescinded if I have “bad” credit? How bad is bad?
I was recently offered a job. I accepted, and gave notice to my current employer. I knew that the offer was contingent on a background check and drug screening, but I wasn’t nervous about either.
However, today I learned that a credit check is also involved. I recently paid off a balance on my corporate card that was over 90 days late. It was my error and I thought that those expenses had already been submitted. A similar error a couple of years ago caused my card to be canceled. Also a few years ago, I was in a bad habit of paying my bills late because I was disorganized. However, I’ve been paying all of my bills on time (except above) for the last two years. I’ve never defaulted on any loan, and have made all of my mortgage and student loan payments on time. Besides my mortgage and student loan, I pay off any credit card debt every month or two.
Would these mistakes cause me to lose my job offer? I would be in a very, very bad place since I have already given notice to my current employer, and you can’t take that back.
I wouldn’t think so because you have been current for the last 2 years.
Will I lose my House if I file?
3 years ago we were doing great. 6 months into our new home we had a terrible accident( not enough coverage). My husband was out of work for 5 months. We had to use our savings to pay everything. I’m on SSI (I’m disable). Our medical bills went sky high, we got way behind on credit card bills, etc.. Currently my husband has been laid off (like so many) I just went back to work 3 months ago (had too). Today, a lien was put on our checking account which left us with a zero balance. That money was our mortgage payment and car insurance plus monthly utilities. I’m devastated! If we file bankruptcy will we lose our home?
No. Filing for bankruptcy in and or itself does not make you loose you house. Actually filing for bankruptcy is a way to help you save your house.
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